The As Yet Unattributed Literary Relic

Browsing through obscure tomes in a dusty West Auckland library in the early 90s, a loose, hand-typed page fell from a book.

I began to read it, and unable to discern where it had fell from or where it belonged, pocketed it and brought it home.

Now, over 20 years later, I have rediscovered it and am publishing it here. If anyone knows what the text is, I would love to attribute it to its author. For now, it is Anon.

I am reproducing it exactly, including anomalies in spacing and punctuation.


Sir , I am the “dumb” Maori .
You know , once the Maori , they fight all the time .
Fight the Maoriori , killem , eatem . The pakeha , he say :
“Eh – you the bad fella – you fight all the time . You put
your name on this civilising paper .”
No good to fight he say , it not like Christian . Better you
play that football .
That Pakeha he right . The Maori he just play football .
It is a good way to fight , fun , fun , fun, all the time .
Maori go all over the world , and Pakeha all over the world
say good boy , play the sporting game . Lose the Maori wild
spirit and learn the Pakeha ways like everyone else .
No more fightem , killem , eatem . The Maori is the good
Maori – no more fightem – just laugh and play . Shes a beauty
Then one day the Pakeha say to him , “Eh ! You gotta go to
war ! ”
An’ the Maori , he  say ” Can’t do it . ” Because he don’t
fight no more – he the good Christian . Wanna play the
football all the time . And the Pakeha say , you gotta go .
You sign the civilising paper remember ? We are one people
now . So the Maori go to the war  .  The Pakeha general make
the sign to tell them to fightem , killem , eatem .
An’ the Maori , away they go . But he don’t eat them any
more , he too shy. only fight , and the German say , he’s
a good man that Maori . He fight , fight , fight , all the
time . Where did he come from . And the Pakeha say :
” He’s our brother . We the New Zealander . We the one
people . Where he go , I go .” And that make the Maori proud
and he go flat out and kill like hell and win the war for
those other fellas . She’s a beauty.
And when they get home the Maori keep looking for the fight
but the Pakeha  he say , no more . Better you just play
football . So the Maori he play football all the
time . No more fightem , killem , eatem . He go all over the
place again , and when some people say who those black fellas
the Pakeha say , ” He’s our brrother , We the New Zealander ,
We the one people , where he go , I go . She’s a beauty . ”
Then come the 1960 invite from Springbok land .
They want us to come play football .
But the Pakeha say , no way , you can’t come cause you the
black man . The Maori say why can’t I come ? The Pakeha say
because you Maori and I Pakeha . The Maori say ” You tell no
difference before . You say we the New Zealander . Where you
go , I go . We sign the civilizing paper . So we go
together . Is good ain’t it ? ”
But the Pakeha say ” No. The Springboks got no civilizing
paper . We gotta show the world that we are a big sport . ”
The Maori scratched theirhead . He wonder how many more
civilizing papers these people got , and he think , ‘ eh ?
These civilizing papers are very powerful things . They make
the Maori stop fighting and play football , make him fight
again , make him stop again and play football again .
Make him real New Zealander to play all over the world again
and make him Maori again so he stop playing football again .
So after 150 years the Maori he back where he started from ,
only he don’t fightem , killem , eatem .
You know it might be a good idea to start again.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN

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