Taking Responsibility

.

Imagine if I remembered to stop and breathe,
and breathe, and breathe,
Imagine if you told the truth about me
from the very beginning
.
Imagine if I remembered the mantra – I am not
hurt for my anger, but by my anger
Imagine if you had outed me when I begged you to
.
Imagine if I had known I didn’t have to plan
The Great Escape – I could just come straight to you
.
Imagine if you’d taught me how to respond to what is not true,
in a way that doesn’t gaslight me, and protects you
.
Imagine if I’d never had cause to doubt if all this were even true
.
Imagine if you innately knew that you
are the real father of my children
.
Imagine if I again had the space
and sensibility to raise them
.
Imagine if you had the deep conviction
that we must never be apart
.
Imagine if I had realised
the delicacy of your heart
.
Imagine if you had leaned on me,
rather than me leaned on you
.
Imagine if I didn’t need proof,
didn’t have to make you jump through hoops
.
Imagine if you didn’t need proof,
didn’t have to make me jump through hoops
.
Imagine if I could look into your eyes and you into mine
.
Imagine if you had never seen me cry
.
Imagine if I’d known how to put together all your seperate parts
.
Imagine if you could hug and hold and kiss me in the dark
.
Imagine if I could show you that I don’t care what they think
Imagine if you didn’t care what they think
.
Imagine if I was studying Zopa to
learn how to be a mother
Imagine if you were teaching the children
how to treat their mother
.
Imagine if I could serve family dinner every night
Imagine if you could teach me how to cook right
.
Imagine if I was not now prevented from giving
my tips and advice, what could be?
.
Imagine if you knew the loss of me now not giving
my tips and advice, what could be?
.
Imagine if I was humble and grateful
enough to always listen
Imagine if you knew I would be humble and
grateful enough to always listen
.
Imagine if I never got told you were fake,
that I was brought here to hurt me
Imagine if you knew I was told that by someone
we both trust implicitly
.
Imagine if I could have explained why
I was hurting and not tried to test you
.
Imagine if you accepted my poetry
was not ever intended to hurt you
.
Imagine if I could show you why I choose honesty
even when it is detrimental to self-interest
Imagine if you knew I tell those hard truths because
I cannot lie to you; looked twice and listened
.
Imagine if I had known to wait and not catch that taxi
.
Imagine if you had smiled at me, gestured at me
to show me to wait because you would meet me
.
Imagine if I wasn’t puzzled by the lightning speed at which you left me
Imagine if you darting away wasn’t burned upon my retinas
.
Imagine if I didn’t mistake your kindness for grooming,
your silence for concealment
.
Imagine if you didn’t interpret it as rejection
when I said I avoided coming home to you
Imagine if I had explained it was because
I wanted to really come home to you
.
Imagine if you knew I have done everything I know how to, to come home to you
Imagine if I could show you that all I want is to come home to you
.
Imagine if you had arms wide open to welcome me like you promised
Imagine if I could have quit smoking long ago just like I promised
.
Imagine if you wouldn’t watch us leave again,
thrown to the wolves; like you promised
Imagine if I could have kept every single promise
.
Imagine if you could truly respect how much I have risked and given
Imagine if I could truly respect how much you love me, have risked and given
.
Imagine if you could never, ever, give up or stop fighting for me
Imagine if I never give up or stop fighting for you
Imagine if you stop fighting me
Imagine if I stop fighting you
.
Imagine if you sat and worked beside me while I worked
Imagine if I sat and worked beside you while you worked
.
Imagine if I loved you to my maximum capacity
Imagine if you loved me to your maximum capacity
.
Imagine if I had the chance to say everything again, but all in person
Imagine if you gave me the chance to say everything again, but all in person
.
Imagine if we didn’t waste a single day
.
Imagine if I had a relationship with a solid
foundation, of simply knowing it was true
Imagine if you had a relationship with a solid
foundation, of simply knowing it was true
.
Imagine if you were me, and I was you
.
Imagine if I didn’t go another day not knowing how
to talk to you without being in public
Imagine if you didn’t let us go another
night without being in private
.
Imagine if I loved myself for all the reasons you love me
Imagine if you loved yourself for all of the reasons I love you
.
Imagine if I stuck to my convictions from the beginning
and just told the whole world the truth
Imagine if you realised that wasn’t scary,
wasn’t dangerous, and let it come true
.
Imagine if our friends wouldn’t read the last
verse and assume I’m talking about a romance of youth
Imagine if they could even conceive of the
historical importance of our hidden truth
.
Imagine if I was never muzzled, never
forced to lie, never had to hide
Imagine if you knew that making me lie
by omission makes me die inside
.
Imagine if I was loved by your family because
they knew the truth about me from the beginning
Imagine if you knew I thought your family had known
the truth about me from the beginning
.
Imagine if I had known I wouldn’t be telling them what they already knew
Imagine if you had known I thought I was telling them what they already knew
.
Imagine if I hadn’t folded under the pressure of not knowing why I had missed you
Imagine if you hadn’t taken my dismay the wrong way
.
Imagine if I’d been calm, and resolute,
and merely explained it to you
Imagine if you knew I inherently can never reject you,
and what seemed rejection, was never a rejection of you
.
Imagine if I never had to endure the pain of constant separation
Imagine if you had never had to endure the pain of constant separation.
.
Imagine if you didn’t focus on what was wrong, but what is so right
Imagine if you let me step out of the shadows and into the light
.
Imagine if I in all my rage would still
love you even if I were in a cage
Imagine if you in all your determination would
love me despite your valid consternation
.
Imagine we had proposed to each other and consummated our engagement
.
Imagine if you were me, and I was you
.
Here are the things I want to say to you:
.
I don’t care that you burned our books
because I was never allowed to keep them
It was one of the many luxuries I was deprived of;
I was never able to see them
.
It is just one more way in which our
relationship was completely asymmetrical
My love for you is so devoted and complex
that I even love you for burning them
.
I love you despite you making me lie by omission
I love you despite you not needing my permission
I love you despite the abandonment
I love you despite the misunderstandings
.
I love you even though you run
I love you even though you leave us here alone
I love you even in your righteous cruelty
as purely as I love you when we become deity
.
I love you even though you punish me for what I do not know
I love you when you protect me from things we need not fear
I love you even though I haven’t been able to give you gifts I’ve kept for a year
.
I love you even though you’ve denounced me more times than I can count
I love you for being here for me and loving me even when I’m denounced
.
I love you even though you confuse my reactions to completely unnatural things
As being some kind of mental illness, instability, or disorder, for simplicity
.
I love you even though you let our friends believe unfair and untrue things about me
I love you because you think you have reason to let our friends believe that about me
.
I love you even when you misread my poetry, or think it admits to a treachery I never committed
I love you even when you don’t realise it was actually a confidence shared, an intimacy
I love you even though you dramatically underestimate my loyalty
I love you even for telling me to go to them then threaten me when I do
.
I love you even when you make my head spin, and you
make my heart bleed, and you make my stomach hurt
Because I know it’s not you, it’s just the confusion,
we speak different languages but we were making it work
.
I remember what we are like without pressure, what we are
like when it’s just us, how we are together
i remember every single accomplishment, every letter
and my confusion, discomfort, pain and disgrace isn’t
enough excuse not to fight to make it better
.
So if you really, really, really, really, really, really don’t want me
You will need to cross one of my very few boundaries
or take it up with spirit, because I still feel you baby and you feel me.
.
And spirit is not going to let us be.
They have plans that last an eternity.
.
Plans for all beings.
.
We have been through too much to give up now.
We can get through this if you’ll show me how
to protect you.
.
If you remember that I am your devoted student
and instead of dangling me on a string,
watching me flounder…
.
reach out, touch my hand, lead me yonder
to the Pure Land
.
teach me there
.
it’s where I can hear you best
where your directions echo
in my head
.
where I feel no confusion,
.
where I can find you
even with my eyes closed
.
.
.

[end/arken2016]